How Wide and Long and High and Deep

Sometimes I wonder—does what I have to say even matter? I think some of you who know me may be shocked to hear me say this. But it’s true. I see so much content on the daily. And I can’t help but wonder—Does what I have to say even matter? But who told me this? Who told me there is already too much uplifting true honest spiritual Christ-loving content? It wasn’t my Father. He has already made it very clear that I have been called to write. So whose voice am I hearing?

The enemy.

He is quite pleased when I feel afraid or when I doubt my calling. He wants me to think—that what I have to say doesn’t matter. Because the truth is— IT DOES MATTER. More now, than ever before. And since I have been anointed and appointed to speak my truth and share my story, the enemy is shaking in his boots. And he should be. Because my God is The Almighty. I will not fear. My Heavenly Father loves me more than I could ever comprehend. I know eternity is in his hands. And today, I find peace here. Here in His truth.

I walked into church on Sunday, already sweating. And not for the reason you might think. Many church jokes come to mind here. Ha! My dear sweet, Macy Carmen had signed herself up to do the special music that day. But we had completely forgotten. #momfail We skipped Sunday school (I know, so naughty-- Insert eye roll here) and decided to sleep in. Rest is important, friends. Speaking of friends, my friend sent me a text as we were getting dressed to head out to the main service.

“Did you know Macy is singing at church today.”

All of a sudden it came flooding back to me. Oh yeah, I do remember—Now! Crap.

Maybe we can just say we forgot and do it another Sunday. But nope, her name is already in the bulletin. It's official when it's in the church bulletin, ya'll. 

Special Music

Macy Beavers

I asked Mac if she still wanted to do it and without hesitation she said YES! Zero fear in her voice! She was so excited and in that moment I was excited for her. She asked me if I would sing with her. And then I started sweating—profusely. And in that moment I knew my crunchy girl deodorant was not gonna cut it. Oh well, Jesus still loves me. Body odor and all.

Last week, I wrote a blog post about the Mover of Mountains. And we had been jamming out to that worship song by Citipointe all week long in the car and at home. So I knew it was a song that we both knew, for the most part. Macy agreed and on the way to church we worshiped and warmed up our vocals. 

I haven’t sung in front of that church since I was a kid. But for years it was a regular part of my life. Every Wednesday my choir directors Myra and Kathy would pick us up from school in the church van. It was a rusty shade of blue and smelled like gas and vinyl. I’m pretty sure there were no seat belts. And no air conditioner. Or maybe it was just always on the fritz.

We would pull up to church and have a snack and then choir practice. I loved it. Every minute of it. It’s a childhood memory that I know I will always have. Those women spent countless hours pouring into us. Loving us. And teaching us. I don’t think I’ve ever said to either of them what a mark their discipleship left on me. It was part of what shaped my heart for Jesus. And I’m not sure a simple “Thank You” would even suffice, but alas— Thank you both, Myra and Kathy.

I was shaking. Probably because I had only had coffee that morning. And a banana on the way to church. Chewing in between singing. Or maybe it was because I would be standing in front of a church congregation singing. Probably the latter. 

Macy seemed cool as a cucumber. She is so brave. So confident. So sure. I want to be more like Macy. When it was time for us to sing we stepped up on that stage and in that moment I knew no matter what words or sounds came out of our mouths—Our Heavenly Dad was so proud. His face beaming with pride and joy.

I was so proud of my baby girl. My momma heart swelling with immense excitement and joy for Macy. And I just thought— this is what my God Father feels for each and everyone of His babies. But times infinity.

Earlier in the week Macy graduated to a new gymnastics class. When her gymnastics teacher told her she would get to move up, Macy’s face just lit up. Her excitement and joy were radiating off of her skin. Her energy so bright and joyful. She held her head a little higher. And even stood a little taller. On the way home she was raving about her excitement and I was listening intently. So proud. So immensely proud of my girl. And Holy Spirit said to me— This is how your Heavenly Father feels about you. He is so proud. He is a wildfire burning and fueled by His love for you. His immense pride in you. His joy for his daughter. He gets so excited when you get excited. His face hurts from grinning so big—just like yours does now.

Holy Spirit is continually teaching me more and more about who my Father is and how much He loves and adores me. The more I learn about who my God is-- the more I want to know. The more I crave His word and His Truth. The more I want to sit at His feet and soak in His Glory. I grew up in your typical Baptist church and God was really kept at an arms length from me. I didn't even learn about who the Holy Spirit is until a few years ago. I didn't quite understand his role in this whole thing. But now the Holy Spirit lives loudly inside me. He is my closest and very best friend. The book of Acts in the bible wasn't something often taught. Or maybe it was, but I just wasn't open to receiving it's truth. I mean have you ever read Acts Chapter 2 when the Holy Spirit comes at Pentecost? Holy guacamole! Like woah. Can you imagine being in that building when this went down?

"When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them..." ---You guys...Tongues.Of.Fire! Can you imagine what you would do if you were chilling in your church service and this went down? OMG. And then...

..."All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them." Acts 2:1-4

How freaking cool is this?

I think about my love for my children. I have two of the most beautiful and precious children. Levi and Macy are my pride and joy. I would die for them. I would lay my life down in less than a heartbeat for my children. They are my heart beating outside of my earthly body. And I cannot for one second even comprehend sacrificing one of them for the sins of the earth. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. And yet, God sent His ONLY son to be not only murdered, but cruelly tortured to save US-- To save YOU, my dear friend. To save you.

Oh, Father. King of all kings...Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  

Don't try to understand it. Or wrap your mind around it. It's impossible to do. Trust me. I have tried. And some days I still try to rationalize God. Because I am human. But He cannot be rationalized because He is the Lord, God Almighty. King of all days.

"Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus..." Ephesians 2:3-6   

My prayer for you is that you too would get to know your Heavenly Father. That you could know Him for yourself. And since we are already in the book of Ephesians I leave you with this prayer...

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-20