Breaking New Ground

Father, why me? Who am I that you would use my story, my shame, my hurt to glorify YOU? You, my God, are the Almighty. So who am I to bring YOU glory?

As a child and even into adulthood, it felt "wrong" to question God. Who am I to question Him? However, what I have learned is He wants us to question. He wants us to come to Him with the most difficult questions. Because as He reveals the answers, we grow closer to him. We get to know Him even more deeply.

He wants us to know him, guys! Asking him questions is not a bad thing. There have been times where my pain is so raw that I am questioning everything. Questioning Him. Who are you? Why would you let this happen? God, where were you? Where were you when these atrocities were happening in my life? How could you let that happen? And how will you redeem this mess?

In His absolute goodness, He always answers. He has begun to show me areas of my life where He was there, working on my behalf. If I am being honest this blog post is by far the most difficult one I have ever written to date. I have written and re-written. Sought counsel. Edited it. Over and over, again. I never want to bring others hurt or pain when sharing my perception. Because that's the thing, we all see our world's through very different eyes. My perception of my childhood, may not be the same as my siblings or my parents. Yet, it doesn't mean my perception isn't valid. It's still valid. It still matters. When writing it has become increasingly cathartic for me. But this post in particular means me having to deal with some stuff. Some deep rooted shame and guilt. And I really want to just shove it deep down inside where it's been hiding for the past 20 years. But my Heavenly Father has made it so perfectly clear, that He wants me to bring it out into the light. That's the thing about shame, when we start to talk about it, bring it out into the light. It not longer has the power. We do.

He is unraveling my foundation as a Christ-follower. Things I thought I knew--- Ha. I had no clue. And while it's quite painful, I have embraced this transition. I write that, and I so want to believe it. But it means opening doors, dark doors and bringing that stuff out into the open. Into the light. I know He will redeem my story. I know He will restore me. How do I know this? It's who He is. And He promised He would. He always keeps His promises. 

The truth of the matter is, I don't know if anyone will ever see or read this. Except for me. Maybe this is just for me and my healing. Or maybe it's for you-- If you're reading this. He works in the most mysterious of ways. And it's exquisitely over-whelming.

Our eye- gates are incredibly sensitive as children. Actually, I believe it's even as sensitive as adults. But there is something even more fragile about the eye-gate of a brain that is soaking everything in and changing and growing so rapidly as the child mind. We can see things that are detrimental to our psyche. Some things that happened to me in my childhood have absolutely shaped me as an adult and more specifically, a parent. There were things that I saw that I often wonder... Why wasn't I protected from this? And God, where were you when all of this was going down? I know that we live in a fallen and broken world. And that unfortunately, bad things happen to people. Terrible, unspeakable things. And while I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that-- I know that this world is not the Heavenly realm and because of sin and what went down in that garden all those years ago, this world is a dark place. But He is still here. He always finds a way to bring beauty and resurrection out of turmoil and tragedy. If you'll let Him.   

I have received so many wonderful gifts as I drag all of my baggage into the light. The gift to do better. The gift to say "This cycle stops with me." The gift to love others even in their brokenness. The gift to forgive. Even forgiving those who have violated me in the most gruesome of ways. The gracious gift of repentance. Where I get to start over. Slate wiped clean. 

I've been mad. Mad at myself for not standing up for myself. Mad at the people in my life who weren't paying enough attention to notice things were off. Mad at the people who lied and cheated and broke my heart. It broke me in a way that carries SO.MUCH.SHAME So much hurt. Shame and hurt that I haven't dealt with-- EVER. But today, I am dragging that shame into the light. YOU.DONT.HAVE.THE.POWER.ANYMORE.

My past is not who I am. Those things do not own who I am. Yes, they are apart of my story. But they do NOT get to define me. And neither does yours.

As I ask all of these hard, painful questions my Heavenly Father has started to answer them. He is showing me, exactly where He was. He was there. He was always there. And Jesus, is my greatest advocate to this very day. Standing in the gap for me. Taking all of my sin and wearing it himself. Sacrificing his life so that I can have mine. He is with me even now. Routing for me. Loving me. Holding me. It's not easy to break these chains. And I cannot do it by myself. But I don't have to.

My 8 year old daughter and I sang a song on Sunday. The words were incredibly healing for me. And I just lifted my voice as I sang out His promises...

"You say walk out on the waves, for I am with you. You said you'd never change, and I believe you. 

You broke my chains. They've fallen off. I call your name, all fear is gone. Eternity is in your hands. Every promise. Every plan. Your kingdom reigns. Your kingdom reigns." Providence, Citipointe

He has called me out into the deepest waters. Waters so rough and violent, that I cannot even tread water on my own. And that's the very lesson I am learning. I am not on my own. He has promised me that every step of the way HE.WILL.BE.THERE. That He has always been here with me. HE.NEVER.LEFT. That even as I drag all of this baggage into the light, He will lighten the load. Better yet, He will take it and wash it all away.

"Washed away every stain, Lord.

No greater love than the blood, Lord."   

Providence, Citipointe

The enemy would love nothing more than for you to be dragged down by the chains that bind you. By your hurt. By your mistakes. He doesn't care about your future. He cares about your past and he will continue to use it against you, until you say ENOUGH.  And even then, he will not give in. Somedays it may seem like a constant battle. But you are not fighting alone. And when you are tired of fighting, Jesus Christ will fight for you.

"Sin is a dethroned monarch; so you must no longer give it opportunity to rule over your life, controlling how you live and compelling you to obey its desires and cravings." Romans 6:12 

(The Passion Translation)

"Yet, even in the midst of all these things, we triumph over them all, for God has made us to be more than conquerors, and his demonstrated love is our glorious victory over everything!" Romans 8:37

(The Passion Translation)

Father, why me? Who am I that you would use my story, my shame, my hurt to glorify YOU? You, my God, are the Almighty. So who am I to bring YOU glory?

And he answered...

"But you are God's chosen treasure-- priests who are kings, a spiritual 'nation' set apart as God's devoted ones. He called you out of darkness to experience his marvelous light, and now he claims you as his very own. He did this so that you would broadcast his glorious wonders throughout the world. For at one time you were not God's people, but now you are. At one time you knew nothing of God's mercy, because you hadn't received it yet, but now you are drenched with it." 1 Peter 2:9-10 (The Passion Translation)

I came here with nothing. Yet, I leave drenched with His mercy and grace. God, you are breaking new ground in me. And I cannot wait to see how you take my brokenness and use it to glorify you and your kingdom.