Not Okay

I could feel it welling in my throat. That lump. The one that comes right before the ugly cry erupts.

Woah. Where did that even come from?

It seems there are times when all the stuff that gets pushed down deep eventually makes it's way to the top. And it bubbles over like a boiling pot of potatoes. (Is it just my pot of potatoes that always boils over? Lid on or off. Never fails. In case you're wondering what the hek I am talking about-- I am literally talking about a pot of potatoes here.)

If you've read my blog recently then you know I am in the deep throws of some personal development. Namely, dealing with some "stuff." The stuff that shaped me, broke me, molded me. And it's been interesting to say the least.

This morning I was driving home from yoga and minding my own business. Radio on and sun in my face. I couldn't even tell it was 30 degrees outside. And then BAM-- Like a Mack truck-- Emotion started bubbling to the surface. I felt that lump erupting in my throat and it was like my body clicked an automatic lock down button. "Nope, no tears are gonna spill today, guys. Pull it together. Don't let it happen. You're okay. You're okay. Don't do it. Don't go there." And just like that the feeling passed. But why was that my bodies immediate reaction to emotion? Like-- "We gotta get a lid on this before it gets outta hand." Survival mode. Numbing mode. Stuff it down far enough and you kinda forget it even exists mode. Until, of course, you experience a trigger. And then, well, simply put, you're screwed.

I will never forget the time I did hip openers in yoga for the first time. My instructor warned us that we may feel some interesting emotions come to the surface. That we may even cry. Because (apparently) we hold a lot of emotion in our hips. And when we start to release them and relax, the emotions start to stir.

CRY? Say what???? I kinda giggled to myself thinking, really? What a bunch of bull hockey.

And then there lying on my yoga mat mid class I started to sob. Yep, ugly cry sob. And the weirdest part? I couldn't turn it off. The tears just kept coming. When I left class I felt so relaxed. And relieved. From what, exactly? I didn't even know.

When my kids would fall when they were little and scrap their knee I would say to them almost immediately-- "You're okay! You're okay!" And sometimes that would help stay off the crying, and sometimes it wouldn't. But sitting here now, I am wondering-- Isn't it okay to not be okay?

Why do we always think we have to stuff everything down? What if I fall and I am not okay? What if it hurts and stings? Can I feel those things? Can I cry? Without feeling ashamed...

Maybe, it's okay to not be okay.

Health isn't just about the physical. It's also about being healthy in other areas of your life. For example mental, emotional, and even spiritual health are just as important. And I am learning that while it may seem like I live a pretty balanced life in these areas-- maybe that isn't completely 100% true. What about my emotional health?

The Lord has really been unraveling some things for me. And this is an area that He has made VERY clear needs some attention. Turns out I've got trust issues. While that is a whole different blog post on it's own (or more like 20), these things are totally linked for me. Am I trusting God with even the less desirable parts of who I am? Less desirable to me, not Him. He wants and desires every piece of us. He knows me. He knows every deep dark thought and feeling I have ever had. I am known by Him in the most intimate way. So why do I feel like I can't trust Him with these things?

The truth is when the emotion Mack truck hit me earlier I was asking Him some tough questions. Not out loud, but in my mind. The whole why do "bad things happen to good people?" question. I was grappling with some things happening to people around me.  I am not sure I was even fully aware I was grappling until the lump showed up. And in that moment I just wasn't okay. I was sad. Devastatingly sad and heart broken. My logical mind couldn't figure it out. I know God is not logical. I know that my teeny human brain could not even begin to comprehend Him or His ways. I know His ways are higher than mine. I know He holds the world in the palm of His hands. Trust me, I've got the whole entire Sunday school line-up of teachings and verses running through my mind at that moment. But it wasn't enough.

Our Heavenly Father wants us to ask Him the hard questions. He wants us to trust Him with those questions. He wants us to trust Him with those feelings and emotions. The good, the bad, the ugly. He wants it all.

What He told me today, was it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to feel. It's okay to be raw and to be real about our emotions. It's okay to question. He wants us to ask questions. To lean in to Him and grow closer to Him and His ways.

"But now, this is what the Lord says--

he who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are

mine.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

Cush and Seba in your stead.

Since you are precious and honored in my

sight,

and because I love you,

I will give men in exchange for you,

and people in exchange for your life."

Isaiah 43:1-4 (NIV)

....I really encourage you to keep reading through the end of the chapter. Because...WOW! Also notice he mentions we are passing through the deep waters, rivers and fire. He doesn't say they won't exist all together. There is going to be stuff that we go through-- Experiences that down right suck. But He promises to be with us. Always.

I really want to learn to let the emotions come and even sit in them instead of going into lock down mode. I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to experience it all. The joy. The sadness. The hurt. The overwhelming peace that He brings in His wake. 

I.Want.It.All

And as a momma, I want to teach my kids that it is okay to NOT be okay all of the time. And in those moments to press in to their Heavenly Father. To read His promises in the gospel. But also to never be ashamed to share their feelings with those who have earned the right to hear them.

And just for reference here's a song that makes that giant lump show up in my throat. But next time I hear it, instead of stuffing that lump back down I am just going to let it come. I will sing my heart out. Tears and all. In awe of my Heavenly Father and His love for me.

So get your praise hands ready (if that's your style)...I'll bring the tissues. Lauren Daigle took the words right outta my mouth...

"What have I done to deserve love like this?

What have I done to deserve love like this?

I cannot earn what You so freely give

What have I done to deserve love like this?"